The Great Flood of Ought-Three 

as created in my blog...

Saturday, July 05, 2003 The Great Flood...Day 2...Rain, Rain, Go Away:
Damn my poor memory! It wasn't until late last night, after the rain started, after the power went out, after we were well on our way to the worst rainfall ( almost 10 inches) in the past 100 years, that I remembered a strange dream I had a couple weeks ago. In my dream some Big Voiced Person was going on and on about building a big boat and filling it up with zoo animals. Oh, well. I'm sure it wasn't that important.
Oo. I see that the weather channel is predicting more rain for tonight.

Monday, July 07, 2003 The Great Flood...Day 4...More Rain:
It is day four of the current 40 day flood. I have the frame of my boat built, but the lions ate my cats. Also the sheriff came by to inform me that I need (a) a building permit for my ark, and (b) a zoo keepers license for my three lions (two female, one male), two yaks (one of each sex), and my two male badgers (okay, you try to get a badger to show you their private parts, its not easy I'll tell you!). So I'm pretty much back to square one.
Ack. The water's rising and I sure hope the Big Voiced Person isn't too pissed with me.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003 The Great Flood...Day 5...More rain last night:
And the Big Voiced Person came to John in a dream and the Big Voiced Person said;
"Verily. You shall stop messing around with your new power tools and you shall get your ass in gear and finish building my Big Boat! What the name of Me have you been doing? I can't believe I picked such a screw-up! The frame is only half done, the keel is laid, but Jesus, John. A pine keel? I don't care what you saw on Trading Spaces, you need bloody oak or rock elm. And please, please, please lock up the pythons. I always thought that lemurs were cute, but one female lemur and one lifeless bloody half-eaten male lemur doesn't do us much good does it?"

And John quaked at the Big Voiced Person's errr...big voice. And he awoke from his dream and shook the shoulder of his good wife and said; "Honey! The Big Voiced Person just spoke to me again. He said I need to make sure that I bring two Hooters Girls with us on the Big Boat in order to ensure the preservation of the buffalo wing species.
And John sat the rest of the night in the dog house nursing a broken nose while reading the latest 'Keels-R-Us' catalog and fending off the advances of a lonely, horny lemur.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003 The Great Flood...Day 6..."Raindrops keep falling on my head":

Big Voiced Person: John? Wake up. How's the ark goin'?

John: Blub

Thursday, July 10, 2003 The Great Flood...Day 7...Still raining. My toes are wrinkled:

And the Big Voiced Person came to John once again in a dream...
John: Go away! The Hooters girls were just about to --
BVP: JOHN!

John: Urp. Go ahead...sir.
BVP: How is my ark? Have you finished?

John: Well, err, about the ark ---
BVP: What? Have you failed me? I can find someone else you know. There are thousands of people lining up to build me an ark.

John: Yeahhh, riiiight. But to answer you. No. I am building it. Its just taking a little different shape than your original plans may have intended.
BVP: Ahh. Creativity. I like that. That design was the same one Moses used. I am sure you could impro--

John: Ahhh. Well. Moses' ark design was fine as far as it went. But there wasn't enough room for everything I needed.
BVP: (sound of deep rumbling) Yes? Such as?

John: Well my gas grill, for one.
BVP: GAS GRILL!?

John: Erp. Yeah. And a redwood picnic table with one of those big umbrellas to keep the sun off--
BVP: PICNIC TABLES!? SUN!? This is the Great Flood! Sinners are being soaked, the wicked are being wet down. Wait a minute. Are you really building an ark? It sounds more like you're building a--

John: --a deck?
BVP: Yes. It sounds like you're building a deck.

John: Yeah. But its a really nice deck! Heaven-class all the way. Redwood planking. Multi-tiered with the table and grill area on the top level and a jacuzzi on the second level...

Friday, July 11, 2003 The Great Flood...Epilogue:

The Big Voiced Person laid back in the lounge chair and sipped at a drink.

"Another Brewski, BVP?" John asked from his lounge, perched just to the left of the BVP.

"Nooo. I'm good. What is this anyway? Definitely not a Bud."

"A Leinies, from Your country. Or at least that's what they claim in Wisconsin."

"I have lots of countries, but let's not quibble. Not on a day like this."

They lay back and soaked in the sun. The redwood deck planking glimmered in the bright sunlight. The Hooters girls sat in the hot tub and splashed each other. The lemur was perched on the edge of the tub, dangling its toes in the water. Oddly, two Chippendales guys had come out of nowhere and were chatting up the lemur. John looked across the deck where his wife lay sunning. She was smiling in her sleep.

"So," John said to the BVP. "You decided to call off the flood?"

The BVP set the drink on a side table, which appeared just as it was needed.

"Yeahhh. I did the whole 'flood the world' thing before. Who can respect a BVP who can't be creative enough to come up with something new."

"Good point. So, can we look forward to fire? You know, 'some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire--"

"--I hold with those who favor fire.' " The BVP finished John's recitation. "Robert Frost.... He rawks!"

"Roight!. Frost rawks." They grinned at each other and took another sip of beer.

He watched the BVP gaze out over the new rain-created lake which now covered the entire back field as well as most of the neighbors' bean field. Geese bobbed on the surface. Tiny whitecaps shimmered with the breeze. The BVP glanced back at John.

"Actually, I'm starting to question the whole 'destroy the world in a fit of godly anger' philosophy. I mean, if I start destroying people based on the subjective and often random interpretations of my Word, then, well..."

John interrupted. "There'd be nobody left?"

The BVP grinned. "Yep. Damn few anyway." The BVP's eye's closed and John thought he heard a slight snore.

John watched the lemur as it slyly flipped peanut shells into various types of cleavages. The zoo had already cleared out all the other wild animals, but they said that would only take two of the rabbits since that is what was listed on the invoice. The other four hundred and eighty seven would have to stay. John took a deep breath and glanced over at his wife. She had opened her eyes and was looking at him oddly.

"Are you talking to someone, John?"

"John looked over at the BVP and realized that the lounge chair was now vacant. An empty mug lay on its side on the deck, a tiny bit of beer trickled onto the decking. John looked down toward the hot tub. The Hooters Girls, the Chippendale guys, and the lemur were gone as well.

"No, dear." He took a pull of his Leinies, raised his glass to the sky, and winked.

"Just enjoying the Lord's day."

The End   
...er, at least it will be...someday.